How To Not Be Insecure

All of us have insecurity. Learn the lesson but don’t dwell on it. All sorts of things lead to insecurity, however, in my experience many insecurities are rooted in dramatic painful or emotional events. They may also a result of one’s family of origin.

Those who deny the lessons of the past are pawns of the future

Case Study

A client (we’ll call her Peggy) began to search her memory for her insecurity after reading my first workbook. Peggy identified a time when she was 11 years old when riding her bike with friends. Peggy knew she was supposed to be home because the street lights were on. Her mother drove up, drug her into the car, took her home, used a belt to spank her and sent her to bed without dinner. She could only say to her mother, “I’m sorry mommy, I love you mommy, I’m sorry mommy, I love you mommy, I love you mommy…” But her mother didn’t listen. The result, Peggy has an overwhelming need to be heard, and especially from people she loves.

How To Acknowledge Someone

Everyone wants to be heard. This can become an insecurity. Peggy craves having a voice. Early in life we search for our place in society, our profession and family. At mid-life we realize what we really want is significance; not what others think nor the race to perform, but real significance.

Peggy finds significance in quality time spent with loved ones. Undistracted time. Time to talk, to listen, to take long walks. Time. She yearns for it. This is her love language. The best thing she can say to her loved ones is, give me some undistracted time and listen to me, right? Or would it be better for her to realize her needs and take action to overcome this insecurity? What would that look like? Perhaps, the simple knowledge of this truth will move her to recognize the trigger.

So Peggy and I developed a plan. Peggy will say to herself, “Wait a minute, I’m feeling that way again. Why? Oh, that’s my trigger” when feeling insignificant. Peggy has also agreed to communicate her needs to her loved ones in a direct straight forward manner. Love requires us to accept responsibility for our feelings and communicate our needs. Peggy needs both for the reason we all need both – love.

Why Do We Feel Pain?

Emotional pain is a sometimes a result of bad experiences. The sexually abused as children or adolescents, those with addictions, a variety of painful childhood episodes, and many other painful experiences all lead to emotional pain. Therefore, insecurity may be the result of any of these problems. Why are some able to move from these moments and others are not? Resiliency perhaps. Honestly, I cannot say emphatically there is one reason for every case. However, I believe much of this pain is found in one’s ability or inability to forgive the people that hurt us the most. All of that said, I do have a suggestion.

What is Reality?

In writing there is a difference between objective versus subjective writing. Objective writing is based on facts, is verifiable and is neutral. This means your approach is unbiased because it is based in truth. Subjective writing is based on opinion and cannot be proven. Consequently, I have applied this to my coaching practice. Often, I ask clients, “Is that true or made up in your mind?” For more help here.

How To Stop Negative Self Talk

In psychology the term “inner critic” refers to that tiny voice within that tells you that you aren’t good enough, or smart enough or not (fill-in-the-blank) enough. How you speak to yourself ultimately reveals itself in how you act toward yourself and others.

By learning how to conquer negative self-talk, you can begin to experience freedom in your personal life that will translate into freedom to be yourself in your public life 

Furthermore, what may seem obvious but is rarely recognized is that you approach the world the way you see it. If you see the world as alive and wonderful, you’ll approach the world with joy and curiosity. If you see the world as dangerous, you’ll approach it with hesitation and fear. Simply changing how you choose to view the world can do wonders for your self-talk. Ultimately the issue here is low self regard.